2/18/10

After five days which included opening ceremonies and other Non-English speaking countries winning, plucky upstart nation the United States of America had it’s greatest day Winter Olympic history Wednesday, winning six medals, including three golds, thus ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, solving the financial crisis, curing H1N1 virus and causing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to surrender the Islamic Republic of Iran to Israel.

The U.S. Olympic hockey team started America’s winning ways Tuesday as they held off the Swiss squad to win 3–1 at Vancouver’s Canada Hockey Place.  Flamboyant, American mens figure skater Jonny Weir, who is also the starting center for the US men’s hockey team scored a goal and had 2 assists while leading the team to their first victory. Weir was also credited with started a bench clearing brawl after viciously checking Swiss forward Julien Sprunger into the glass, dislocating Sprungers entire face, and then pummeling Sprunger’s teammate Thierry Paterlini into a unrecognizable meat puddle.  Weir was given a double major for fighting and spent most of the 2nd period in the penalty box pouting and gently stroking the fur swathes sewn into the shoulders his hockey sweater.

Heavily favored women’s boardercross world champion Lindsey Jacobellis failed to make it to the Olympic podium for a second straight games.   In Torino she lost after wiping out while douchely showboating near the finish line.  In Vancouver, Lindsey, who was reportedly menstruating, was mauled by a blood crazed Grizzly Bear after she rounded the final turn of her semi final run.

On a slick downhill course that gobbled up skiers like effete American figure skater Jonny Weir gobbles up his competition, American Women went 1-2.  Lindsey Vonn, who was suffering from a shin injury she sustained while writhing around seductively and topless on a bear skin run during her Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot, fearlessly attacked the hill and took gold in spectacular fashion.  Julia Mancuso finished second, giving the Americans their first Alpine Race gold-silver finish since the 1984 Sarajevo Games, when brothers Phil and Steve Mahre went 1-2 in the slalom and Debbie Armstrong and Christin Cooper did the same in giant slalom. Citizens of Montreal are hoping this win isn’t the harbinger to an ethnic cleansing campaign against Quebec as it is widely believed by historians that the American 1-2 finishes in Sarajevo planted the seeds for the systematic massacre of Bosniaks by the Serbian Army, which led to the war in Bosnia and Herzegovina, formerly Yugoslavia.

American speed skater Shani Davis took gold in the 1000 meter, causing American fans to scratch their heads and say, “I didn’t know we had a black guy on the speed skating team” and also  “I didn’t know we had a speed skating team.”

Capping a historic day, snowboarding phenom Shaun White put on a historic performance on his way to a second straight half pipe Olympic gold.  Shaun wrapped up the victory on his first run with an untouchable score of 46.2. On his final run, after already securing the gold, Shaun high-fived Jesus Christ during his first trick, and finished his run with an otherworldly triple inverted Mctwisty Chuck Yaegermeister flimity flamboni whoop dee dingleberry do or some shit like that while simultaneously updating his facebook status. I mean, you can’t even joke about this guy.  He’s ridiculous.

Finally, Igniting what is becoming a media firestorm. Dutch speedskater Sven Kramer, after winning a gold medal, insulted an American NBC reporter by calling her stupid.   The reporter asked Kramer, “If you can say your name and your country and what you just won here.” Kramer quickly interjected: “Are you stupid? Hell no I’m not going to do that.” Speaking later in a Dutch interview, Kramer explains: “Come on, this is ridiculous. You’ve just become Olympic gold medal winner. She was there when it happened and then you have to sum up your whole biography, etc. She’s crazy.”

Sean Hannity of Fox New quickly responded:

“It’s the socialist apologist presidency of Obama that is allowing speedskaters from terrorist sympathizers like Amsterdam to attack the American flag by calling American broadcasters stupid. No real American/ Tea Party member who believes in the principles on which this great nation was built should ever be forced by big government to know the name of an athlete from a non-Christian, god hating, drug legalizing country that harbors a communist athlete who dares to race around a track while not driving an American-made, Democratic out of control spending bailed out NASCAR stock car.   Oh wait, did you say she was from NBC?  In that case, fuck that lady.  Palin  2012!”