8/15-8/17

World Champion Spain took on the US in basketball. Pulling their eyes back to mock the Chinese in a Spanish newspaper advert must have affected Team Spain’s vision, as they had a hard time finding the basket in an embarrassing loss to the Americans. Kobe and the US Team gave Spain an el spanking, 119-82.

The United States women’s hoops squad cruised into the medal round with a 96-60 win over New Zealand. Playing much of the game below the rim, the US team dribbled with both left and right hands, in front of the back passed, and set shot their way to another victory. Lisa Leslie punctuated the victory with a spectacular not-between-the legs, 0-degree lay-up after a beautiful yes-look pass from Tina Thompson.

In the Women’s marathon, a course that took runners through historic Tiananmen Square, Tomescu Constantina of Romania won the gold medal with a time of 2:26:44. Zhu Xiaolin of China finished fourth and was forced to run back to Tiananmen Square where she was run over repeatedly by a tank.

Jamaican Hussien Bolt became the world’s fastest man by winning the 100 m in world record time, while US record holder Tyson Gay failed to qualify for the finals. Gay is now considering a faster sounding, less gay last name.

The Jamaican women went 1-2-3 in the 100 m. On the medal stand, all three were presented with the customary dozen roses, which they proceeded to smoke.

The US Women’s soccer team continued their undefeated ways, beating Canada 2-1 and moving on to the semifinals where they will face Japan. Thanks to this amazing Olympic run, tens of Americans have a new found interest in soccer.

The US women’s softball team introduced the Netherlands to the L-word (Losing). The US Team no hit the Dutch and won 8-0.

Lord Moynihan, chairman of the British Olympic Association, called August 15-17, 2008 “the greatest weekend in British Olympic history”, as the British team won 8 golds in sailing, swimming, cycling, rowing and quidditch. Moynihan added “Bleebity blub blub blub, I’m an English Lord and you are rubbish”.

In a related story, some guy from the United States team won 8 gold medals all by himself.

Michael Phelps Phelpsed his way to another Phelps by Phelpsing the Phelps x 200m Phelps in a Phelps-breaking time of Phelps:Phelps:Phelps, making him the Phelpsingest Phelps in Phelpsian history. Phelps.

One might think that this kind of achievement would leave that blowhard Bob Costas speechless. No such luck.

More tomorrow.