8/19

It’s Australian for blowout, mate.

The Australian hoops team put another shrimp on the Barbie. In this case the shrimp was an embarrassing loss and the Barbie was their Olympic record. The US team won by 31, treating the Aussies like a stingray treats Steve Irwin.

What too soon?

Play was delayed for several minutes in the second half when a cuddly koala bear climbed up onto to the basket and munched on Eucalyptus leaves. Crikey!

After a rough start for the American Track team, Angelo Taylor led a U.S. sweep of the 400m hurdles with his finish in 47.25 seconds. Kerron Clement claimed the silver in 47.98 and Bershawn Jackson claimed the bronze in 48.06. Team ABC’s captain Gabe Kaplan from Battle of the Network Stars team came in fourth.

In men’s synchronized diving, teammates Wang Feng and Qin Kai easily won their fourth diving medal event of the games. Fourth place finishers Chris Colwill and Jevon Tarantino from the US were docked several points when they performed their final synchronized dive off the same 10 meter board, while sharing a single bathing suit.

Hussein Bolt, winner of the 100m, broke Michael Johnson’s 12-year old record from the 1996 and won the gold medal in the 200 meters in less time than it took you to read this sentence. Bolt’s times have come down considerably since he changed his name from Hussein McMolassespants.

Without that clumsy bitch Alicia Sacamone in the way to crush her, George Bush’s and every Americans dream of bringing home team gold in gymnastics, Shawn Johnson finally won gold in the final individual gymnastics event, the balance beam. Fortunately for Shawn, the Chinese Team didn’t compete because the event took place way past their bedtime.

In the 400m, England’s Christine Ohuruogu took gold over Jamaica’s Shericka Williams, winning by a stiff upper lip.