8/13
Yesterday began with Team USA shellacking Angola in basketball 97-76. It wasn’t until the second quarter that LeBron James even noticed the Angolan defenders, and realized that the Redeem Team was not just doing lay up drills. Next up for the Americans, Greece.

The US women’s soccer team beat New Zealand 4-0 to advance to the quarterfinals where they will face Canada. Women’s soccer combines female athletes and soccer to help make it one of the least popular spectator sports in the United States. The American men were eliminated by Nigeria, while Brazil advanced to the soccer Quarterfinals.

In Swimming, it was another night of NBC phellating Phelps with hyperbole (that’s phellate with a PH). Michael Phelps became the winningest Olympian in history, taking his 10th gold in the 200m butterfly. 54 minutes later, he became the winningestest Olympian in history when Phelps and three other guys took gold in the 4 x 200m relay. It was the Phelpsenator’s 11th gold all-time and 5th in his quest for 8 in 2008.

Proving they are still the world leader in exploiting child labor, the Chinese women’s gymnastics squad won gold by fielding a team of 6-year-olds. The world champion US team delivered the Chinese victory when in her final two rotations, Alicia Sacramone nose dived off the balance beam and then fell on her ass during the floor exercise. Alicia’s Sacrameltdown cost the US two fatal .8 deductions, um so I hear. It’s not like I would stay up until 1 am watching women’s gymnastics or anything. The Russian women came in a disappointing fourth, after which they invaded Georgia. On the desk, that jagoff Bob Costas was joined by Bela Karoli, who waved his arms and ranted nonsensically like an insane homeless person.

For our friends in London, the British Olympic update:

David Florence from Scotland won Great Britain’s first silver in the men’s slalom canoe. Upon receiving his medal, he bellowed “Freeeeeeeeeedom!” from the podium.

And Brittan’s Tina Cook won double Bronze in Equestrian. “Ohhhhhhh! Look at me, trotting and tallyho-ing around on my trusty steed, looking all British and shit. Someone please paint a portrait of me.”

More tomorrow.