8/14

Yesterday the US men had disappointing days in both Gymnastics and Greco Roman Wrestling. The men’s gymnastics team failed to medal in the all around competition the US Greco Roman squad suffered 3 surprising early losses. Men’s gymnastics and Greco Roman wrestling on the same day? Who’s scheduling these Olympics? Tom Cruise?

Misty May trainer and Kerry Walsh donned their tiny bathing suits and beat Norway to advance to the single elimination round in beach volleyball. 14-year-old boys everywhere celebrated the victory by masturbating.

Michael Phelps has advanced to the 200-meter individual medley final at the Beijing Olympics, setting himself up to win his sixth gold medal. I’ll tell you what, it’s a good that the IOC doesn’t test for the Baby Jesus tears that Michael Phelps injects himself with before every race, right after he puts on his secret high-tech swimglet, woven from Mark Spitz’s discarded moustache hairs.

The world collectively threw up in its mouth when Janos Baranyai of Hungary dislocated his elbow during the men’s weightlifting competition. Chinese officials quickly rushed to the aid of the China’s State Council Information Office by covering up Baranyai with happy posters, as if his grotesquely contorted limb was calling for a free Tibet. My advice to him, adjust your form to include less elbow dislocating.

At the Water Cube, Frenchman Alain Bernard Eiffel Towered above the competition, winning gold in the 100 free. Unlike when he blew the lead against the Americans in the 4×200 relay, Bernard finished the last length of the race very fast, retreating from the far end of the pool like the German Army had just invaded it.

2004 Gold Medal Swimmer/Playboy model/naked Peta shill Amanda Beard failed to qualify for the 200m Breaststroke final. Perhaps she should have spent a little less time exposing breasts and a little more time stroking them.

And now we’ll wait for the scores on that joke…he was a little wobbly on the punch line…13.275. Ouch, that’s going to drop him out of medal contention.

And for our friends at BB London, the British Olympic update.

Emma Pooley won Team GB’s second cycling medal and Britain’s seventh medal of the Games by taking silver in the women’s individual time trial. She may have won gold if she hadn’t insisted on competing on one of those old-timey bicycles, wearing tweed jacket, and smoking a Sherlock Holmes-style pipe for the entire race.

And the BB medal count as of 8/14

US – 34
GB – 10
Brazil – 4
Turkey – 2

More tomorrow.