The top story from Beijing, Michael Phelps stroke, stroke, stroked his way into the history books, winning the 200 freestyle, breaking his third straight world record and winning his ninth career gold medal.  Number 9 ties him with Mark Spitz, Carl Lewis, Paavo Nurmi and Larysa Latynina for the most in Olympic history. It’s his third gold medal in these games as old Phelpsy continues his quest for 8.

This guy’s got more bling than Bernie Mac and Issaac Hayes combined!  What, too soon?!!!!!!!!

Also last night at the Water Cube, The US national anthem sounded like a broken record as Natalie Coughlin and Josh Piersol had America’s back, winning back to back gold in the 100 meter back stroke.  The American Speedos out-speeded all other Speedos, speeding their way to a total of 6 medals in the four medal competitions yesterday, including three golds.

The only tarnish on the American’s otherwise golden evening was an Aussie win in the 100m breaststroke, which I found out last night was an actual swimming race. It was a surprising victory because we all know that Australians are lazy.  

This morning America is doing inverted triple back flips with a twist thanks to a miraculous medal run by the anemic American men’s gymnastics squad. After losing their two best gymnasts to injury, this rag tag group of misfits, losers, first-time Olympians, cripples and one guy who was clearly very gay, twisted, flipped, danced, frolicked, sacheted, shimmied and flounced their way to a bronze medal.   WE’RE NUMBER 3!  WE’RE NUMBER 3!  In a related story, China won gold by a landslide and Japan stole Silver when the US team blew a huge lead by tanking embarrassingly by on the last event.  The US team’s performance was so bad, it made it look like the pommel horse was an actual live horse.

The US women’s softball team, led by Jenny Finch, who is pushing the gender boundaries of the sport by not being a huge unattractive lesbian, pitched 4 no- hit innings and helped lead the US team to an 11-0 route of Venezuelan team.

Yeah, that’s right Venezuela! Women’s softball! In your face Hugo Chavez.

Misty May Trainer and Kerry Walsh continued their quest for gold, winning again in the hot-tall-chicks-in-tiny-bathing-suits-hitting-a-ball-over-a-net-in-the-sand contest.  And for the 4th consecutive night Bob Costas sat behind the desk and pontificated like the smug little prick that he is.  

Now here’s today’s medal count: The US leads all countries with a total of 21 medals, including 7 golds. The Chinese are second with 18 medals, including 11 gold. Great Britian has 3 medals Brazil has 2 Turkey has 1 Scotland has zero medals, probably due to the fact that Competitive Cheapness was dropped as an Olympic Sport in 2008. Sorry Paul.