Last night was the Olympic closing ceremonies, and it did not disappoint. Not to be outdone by the pageantry of lighting of the Olympic Torch, the Chinese extinguished it with equally astonishing verve, snuffing out the symbolic flame by throwing 10 Tibetan Monks on it. And a few hundred CGI fireworks later, it was all over.

In my opinion, it was the greatest Olympics ever, even better than the 1920 games in Antwerp.

It was an Olympics where a China didn’t let the fact that their team was a good two to three years from puberty stop them from winning 6 medals in women’s gymnastics. And where the most popular competitor’s name was Wang. There were Wangs all over the place. Wangs in the pool, Wangs in the high jump pit, Wangs all over the wrestling matt, even a Wang on a horse. It was a total Wangfest.

It was an Olympics where the US men’s basketball team showed there is no “I” in team, but there are two “U”s in U.S. Fucking A. The Americans used uncharacteristic teamwork to return to the gold medal stand for the first since 2000. And now they can return to being the fan-punching, coach-choking, over-paid, ball hogging hot doggers we pay 150 bucks a ticket to see not play the snooze fest that is the International style of basketball.

It was an Olympics where the women’s team sports like softball and soccer were appropriately only broadcast on NBC’s boring, less hot sister network MSNBC.

It was an Olympics where swimmer Michael Phelps and sprinter Usain Bolt captured gold in every race, captured the world’s attention, and insured that the popularity of their respective sports in America will someday reach the dizzying heights of soccer.

And it was an Olympics where we saw a Hungarian weightlifter snap his arm like a sapling. And a Cuban taekwando martial artist intentionally kick a ref in the face. It’s moments like this that help us appreciate how fucking awesome YouTube is.

And now that it’s all done, we’ll miss it. We’ll miss cherishing moments that actually happened 12 hours ago. We’ll miss NBC running ad nausea both the Michael Phelps wins and the promos for that shitty new Christian Slater show that will probably get cancelled during its first commercial break.

We’ll miss softball as it makes it’s final appearance as an Olympic sport. Bad news for the International Softball Federation, but good news for anyone looking for a high school gym teacher.

We’ll miss the totally bonkers Bela Karoli’s maniacal nonsensical ramblings. But don’t fret, we’ll see him again in the fall when he returns to his job of being Paula Abdul on American Idol.

And we’ll miss the erotic dance that is men’s competitive ping pong.

But most of all, we’ll miss the Chinese. Despite all their fake fireworks, fake little girls, weather control machines and window dressing, I am glad their super power debutante ball was a big success. America is better off when we have a worthy opponent on the world stage. It reminds me of when we used to knock heads with the Soviets. The Chinese are a formidable frenemy, a Kobe to our Shaq, A Frazier to our Ali, a Slater to our Zack Morris. And this new rivalry will make the world a more interesting place.

And so now, we pass the torch onto London. A warm and welcoming place where the sun always shines and where knives are only used to stab Britain’s world-renowned cuisine. An outgoing, affectionate and humble people, who’s bright, perfectly straight white smiles will welcome all creeds, colors and classes. A country who’s own Queen , Elizabeth II won a bronze medal in Greco Roman wrestling at the 1952 Helsinki Games.

See you in 2012.

The Final BB medal count.

USA – 110
China – 100
Britain – 47
Jamaica – 20
Brazil – 15
Turkey – 8

8/21
In a packed Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds and under a torrential downpour, Americans Kerry Walsh and Misty May Trainer beat home team China to win the women’s beach volleyball gold medal. Kerry and Misty, their hot, wet American flesh glistening in the pouring rain, bested the Chinese in straight sets as warm raindrops rolled slowly down their sun-baked bodies. The American team took the first set 21-18, their tiny translucent bathing suits, soaked and dewy, precariously clinging to their playful bosoms, damp sand sticking to their taut thighs and supple exposed lower buttocks. After pulling away in a tight second set, Walsh let out a fervent throaty cry as she unleashed an explosive spike to win match point. Misty May and Kerry fell exhausted to the court, crashing down to the soft sand as their supple, bronzed, moist, rippling, sweaty, mostly nude bodies intertwined in a drenched passionate victorious embrace.

Some other stuff also happened yesterday, medal winning and some diving I think, maybe a steeplechase.

8/19

It’s Australian for blowout, mate.

The Australian hoops team put another shrimp on the Barbie. In this case the shrimp was an embarrassing loss and the Barbie was their Olympic record. The US team won by 31, treating the Aussies like a stingray treats Steve Irwin.

What too soon?

Play was delayed for several minutes in the second half when a cuddly koala bear climbed up onto to the basket and munched on Eucalyptus leaves. Crikey!

After a rough start for the American Track team, Angelo Taylor led a U.S. sweep of the 400m hurdles with his finish in 47.25 seconds. Kerron Clement claimed the silver in 47.98 and Bershawn Jackson claimed the bronze in 48.06. Team ABC’s captain Gabe Kaplan from Battle of the Network Stars team came in fourth.

In men’s synchronized diving, teammates Wang Feng and Qin Kai easily won their fourth diving medal event of the games. Fourth place finishers Chris Colwill and Jevon Tarantino from the US were docked several points when they performed their final synchronized dive off the same 10 meter board, while sharing a single bathing suit.

Hussein Bolt, winner of the 100m, broke Michael Johnson’s 12-year old record from the 1996 and won the gold medal in the 200 meters in less time than it took you to read this sentence. Bolt’s times have come down considerably since he changed his name from Hussein McMolassespants.

Without that clumsy bitch Alicia Sacamone in the way to crush her, George Bush’s and every Americans dream of bringing home team gold in gymnastics, Shawn Johnson finally won gold in the final individual gymnastics event, the balance beam. Fortunately for Shawn, the Chinese Team didn’t compete because the event took place way past their bedtime.

In the 400m, England’s Christine Ohuruogu took gold over Jamaica’s Shericka Williams, winning by a stiff upper lip.

8/18

The US Men’s basketball team continued their Olympic dominance by blitzing Germany 106-57. US center Dwight Howard led all scorers with 22 pts. Forward Colonel Klink had 16 for the Germans, while Sergeant Shultz pulled down 11 rebounds.

Chinese gymnast He Kexin, who’s birth certificate shows she could be as young as 14, won a controversial tiebreaker against American Nastia Liukin for the uneven bars gold medal. Kexin dedicated the victory to her new boyfriend, R. Kelly.

Jessica Mendoza hit a pair of two-run homers and the U.S. Olympic women’s softball team ran its winning streak to 17 with a 7-0 win over Japan. With little time to rest, the US team then beat Canada 8-1 in a make up game that was delayed by rain on Thursday. Despite the blowout, the Americans showed tremendous sportsmanship by French kissing the entire Canadian team after the game.

In equestrian, a British competitor was disqualified when he shot and killed a fox.

His record Olympic run now completed, Michael Phelps celebrated his new status as an American sports role model by shooting up a Beijing nightclub and starting an illegal dog-fighting ring in his dorm room.

The BB medal count.

US – 77
China 76
GBR -32
Brazil – 6
Jamaica – 4
Turkey – 3

8/15-8/17

World Champion Spain took on the US in basketball. Pulling their eyes back to mock the Chinese in a Spanish newspaper advert must have affected Team Spain’s vision, as they had a hard time finding the basket in an embarrassing loss to the Americans. Kobe and the US Team gave Spain an el spanking, 119-82.

The United States women’s hoops squad cruised into the medal round with a 96-60 win over New Zealand. Playing much of the game below the rim, the US team dribbled with both left and right hands, in front of the back passed, and set shot their way to another victory. Lisa Leslie punctuated the victory with a spectacular not-between-the legs, 0-degree lay-up after a beautiful yes-look pass from Tina Thompson.

In the Women’s marathon, a course that took runners through historic Tiananmen Square, Tomescu Constantina of Romania won the gold medal with a time of 2:26:44. Zhu Xiaolin of China finished fourth and was forced to run back to Tiananmen Square where she was run over repeatedly by a tank.

Jamaican Hussien Bolt became the world’s fastest man by winning the 100 m in world record time, while US record holder Tyson Gay failed to qualify for the finals. Gay is now considering a faster sounding, less gay last name.

The Jamaican women went 1-2-3 in the 100 m. On the medal stand, all three were presented with the customary dozen roses, which they proceeded to smoke.

The US Women’s soccer team continued their undefeated ways, beating Canada 2-1 and moving on to the semifinals where they will face Japan. Thanks to this amazing Olympic run, tens of Americans have a new found interest in soccer.

The US women’s softball team introduced the Netherlands to the L-word (Losing). The US Team no hit the Dutch and won 8-0.

Lord Moynihan, chairman of the British Olympic Association, called August 15-17, 2008 “the greatest weekend in British Olympic history”, as the British team won 8 golds in sailing, swimming, cycling, rowing and quidditch. Moynihan added “Bleebity blub blub blub, I’m an English Lord and you are rubbish”.

In a related story, some guy from the United States team won 8 gold medals all by himself.

Michael Phelps Phelpsed his way to another Phelps by Phelpsing the Phelps x 200m Phelps in a Phelps-breaking time of Phelps:Phelps:Phelps, making him the Phelpsingest Phelps in Phelpsian history. Phelps.

One might think that this kind of achievement would leave that blowhard Bob Costas speechless. No such luck.

More tomorrow.

8/14
The US men’s basketball team easily handled Greece and will play LA Laker Pau Gasol and Spain in the first game of the medal round. The Spanish team has been in hot agua this week due to a racist ad that features a picture of the entire Spanish team pulling back their eyes, in apparent mockery of the Chinese. In response to the poster, China’s 7’6” Yao Ming ate Pau Gasol’s entire family.

Michael Phelps made it 6 for 6 by winning gold and breaking another world record in the 200 IM. After the race, Phelps handed his chamois to a 102 year old great grandmother, who became instantly pregnant.

During the medal ceremony for the 84-kilogram Greco-Roman event, Ara Abrahamian of Sweden took the bronze medal from around his neck and dropped it on the mat in protest. After which, Gollum from Lord of the Rings quickly picked up the medal, cradled it lovingly and skulked off under the bleachers.

Much to the incredibly creepy and freakish delight of Bela Karoli, US gymnasts Nastia Luken and Shawn Johnson finished 1-2 in the all around competition, a first for Team USA. Chinese gymnast Yilin Yang was deducted .5 of a point when she lost a baby tooth on her final rotation and had to settle for the bronze.

After one day of China leading the medal race, the US once again took over the top spot, with 44 medals to China’s 39, an allegation the Chinese deny.

More tomorrow.

8/14

Yesterday the US men had disappointing days in both Gymnastics and Greco Roman Wrestling. The men’s gymnastics team failed to medal in the all around competition the US Greco Roman squad suffered 3 surprising early losses. Men’s gymnastics and Greco Roman wrestling on the same day? Who’s scheduling these Olympics? Tom Cruise?

Misty May trainer and Kerry Walsh donned their tiny bathing suits and beat Norway to advance to the single elimination round in beach volleyball. 14-year-old boys everywhere celebrated the victory by masturbating.

Michael Phelps has advanced to the 200-meter individual medley final at the Beijing Olympics, setting himself up to win his sixth gold medal. I’ll tell you what, it’s a good that the IOC doesn’t test for the Baby Jesus tears that Michael Phelps injects himself with before every race, right after he puts on his secret high-tech swimglet, woven from Mark Spitz’s discarded moustache hairs.

The world collectively threw up in its mouth when Janos Baranyai of Hungary dislocated his elbow during the men’s weightlifting competition. Chinese officials quickly rushed to the aid of the China’s State Council Information Office by covering up Baranyai with happy posters, as if his grotesquely contorted limb was calling for a free Tibet. My advice to him, adjust your form to include less elbow dislocating.

At the Water Cube, Frenchman Alain Bernard Eiffel Towered above the competition, winning gold in the 100 free. Unlike when he blew the lead against the Americans in the 4×200 relay, Bernard finished the last length of the race very fast, retreating from the far end of the pool like the German Army had just invaded it.

2004 Gold Medal Swimmer/Playboy model/naked Peta shill Amanda Beard failed to qualify for the 200m Breaststroke final. Perhaps she should have spent a little less time exposing breasts and a little more time stroking them.

And now we’ll wait for the scores on that joke…he was a little wobbly on the punch line…13.275. Ouch, that’s going to drop him out of medal contention.

And for our friends at BB London, the British Olympic update.

Emma Pooley won Team GB’s second cycling medal and Britain’s seventh medal of the Games by taking silver in the women’s individual time trial. She may have won gold if she hadn’t insisted on competing on one of those old-timey bicycles, wearing tweed jacket, and smoking a Sherlock Holmes-style pipe for the entire race.

And the BB medal count as of 8/14

US – 34
GB – 10
Brazil – 4
Turkey – 2

More tomorrow.

8/13
Yesterday began with Team USA shellacking Angola in basketball 97-76. It wasn’t until the second quarter that LeBron James even noticed the Angolan defenders, and realized that the Redeem Team was not just doing lay up drills. Next up for the Americans, Greece.

The US women’s soccer team beat New Zealand 4-0 to advance to the quarterfinals where they will face Canada. Women’s soccer combines female athletes and soccer to help make it one of the least popular spectator sports in the United States. The American men were eliminated by Nigeria, while Brazil advanced to the soccer Quarterfinals.

In Swimming, it was another night of NBC phellating Phelps with hyperbole (that’s phellate with a PH). Michael Phelps became the winningest Olympian in history, taking his 10th gold in the 200m butterfly. 54 minutes later, he became the winningestest Olympian in history when Phelps and three other guys took gold in the 4 x 200m relay. It was the Phelpsenator’s 11th gold all-time and 5th in his quest for 8 in 2008.

Proving they are still the world leader in exploiting child labor, the Chinese women’s gymnastics squad won gold by fielding a team of 6-year-olds. The world champion US team delivered the Chinese victory when in her final two rotations, Alicia Sacramone nose dived off the balance beam and then fell on her ass during the floor exercise. Alicia’s Sacrameltdown cost the US two fatal .8 deductions, um so I hear. It’s not like I would stay up until 1 am watching women’s gymnastics or anything. The Russian women came in a disappointing fourth, after which they invaded Georgia. On the desk, that jagoff Bob Costas was joined by Bela Karoli, who waved his arms and ranted nonsensically like an insane homeless person.

For our friends in London, the British Olympic update:

David Florence from Scotland won Great Britain’s first silver in the men’s slalom canoe. Upon receiving his medal, he bellowed “Freeeeeeeeeedom!” from the podium.

And Brittan’s Tina Cook won double Bronze in Equestrian. “Ohhhhhhh! Look at me, trotting and tallyho-ing around on my trusty steed, looking all British and shit. Someone please paint a portrait of me.”

More tomorrow.

The top story from Beijing, Michael Phelps stroke, stroke, stroked his way into the history books, winning the 200 freestyle, breaking his third straight world record and winning his ninth career gold medal.  Number 9 ties him with Mark Spitz, Carl Lewis, Paavo Nurmi and Larysa Latynina for the most in Olympic history. It’s his third gold medal in these games as old Phelpsy continues his quest for 8.

This guy’s got more bling than Bernie Mac and Issaac Hayes combined!  What, too soon?!!!!!!!!

Also last night at the Water Cube, The US national anthem sounded like a broken record as Natalie Coughlin and Josh Piersol had America’s back, winning back to back gold in the 100 meter back stroke.  The American Speedos out-speeded all other Speedos, speeding their way to a total of 6 medals in the four medal competitions yesterday, including three golds.

The only tarnish on the American’s otherwise golden evening was an Aussie win in the 100m breaststroke, which I found out last night was an actual swimming race. It was a surprising victory because we all know that Australians are lazy.  

This morning America is doing inverted triple back flips with a twist thanks to a miraculous medal run by the anemic American men’s gymnastics squad. After losing their two best gymnasts to injury, this rag tag group of misfits, losers, first-time Olympians, cripples and one guy who was clearly very gay, twisted, flipped, danced, frolicked, sacheted, shimmied and flounced their way to a bronze medal.   WE’RE NUMBER 3!  WE’RE NUMBER 3!  In a related story, China won gold by a landslide and Japan stole Silver when the US team blew a huge lead by tanking embarrassingly by on the last event.  The US team’s performance was so bad, it made it look like the pommel horse was an actual live horse.

The US women’s softball team, led by Jenny Finch, who is pushing the gender boundaries of the sport by not being a huge unattractive lesbian, pitched 4 no- hit innings and helped lead the US team to an 11-0 route of Venezuelan team.

Yeah, that’s right Venezuela! Women’s softball! In your face Hugo Chavez.

Misty May Trainer and Kerry Walsh continued their quest for gold, winning again in the hot-tall-chicks-in-tiny-bathing-suits-hitting-a-ball-over-a-net-in-the-sand contest.  And for the 4th consecutive night Bob Costas sat behind the desk and pontificated like the smug little prick that he is.  

Now here’s today’s medal count: The US leads all countries with a total of 21 medals, including 7 golds. The Chinese are second with 18 medals, including 11 gold. Great Britian has 3 medals Brazil has 2 Turkey has 1 Scotland has zero medals, probably due to the fact that Competitive Cheapness was dropped as an Olympic Sport in 2008. Sorry Paul.